Last week I went to a queer storytelling event. Held in a tea house, soft lighting and seats in a semi circle. Intentionally inclusive in the ways you might expect.
And yet…one particular moment left behind this oily, slick feeling on the inside of my skin that I can’t seem to wash off.
[Enter aforementioned moment here. Imagine a person standing at the front, with a mic, saying…]
“If you’re an extrovert, please stand up.” Oh god. If I stand up, what are they going to ask me to do? And the few folks I know here know that I am a super extrovert. So it would be awkward to not.
“Now wave at someone else standing up.” Okay. This is okay. Waving. But now I’ve made eye contact with three people. Yikes.
“And now, if you’re comfortable, give another extrovert a hug. If not, you can sit down.” Nope nope. I do not want to hug the person I’ve accidentally locked eyes with. But to sit down is to reject them. And to be on display. Everyone will see — I’m literally standing at the front of the room. Maybe I’d rather just do the hug and get it over with.
And so I crossed my own boundary. A lingering hug from a stranger that my body did not want, that left me itchy for days.
How many times has this been you?
“Who here is good at calendaring?”...And by saying ‘yes’ you get stuck scheduling the next meeting. Or “Are you free next Thursday?”… And now you can’t easily say ‘no’ to the dinner you definitely do not want to go to. Or “Aren’t you a graphic designer?”... And now you’ve been volun-told to make signs for something you don’t really support.
It feels like manipulation. Some version of coercion. Major ick.
Because it’s this: being forced to choose your identity or to lie, knowing that claiming your identity makes you liable for whatever unknown comes next. Do I keep quiet and say I’m not, even though I am? What am I setting myself up for in this?
I get it. Often we want people, need them even, to do something. So we end up blocking them into a corner to get them to agree.
**A quick pause to talk about consent in designing participatory experiences. Ask yourself: is it as safe to say ‘no’ as it is to say ‘yes’? In my case, there was an explicit offer to sit down, yet that option felt like it required a highly public, visible, and potentially shameful action. And y’all, I love hugs…hugging people I know and care about. So is everyone here going to think that I am a hug-hater as they all watch me sit down?
So I beg of you, please don’t. If you want to design experiences and relationships where people can bring their highest creative brains to play, this is going to send you speeding off in the other direction.
Should you find yourself doing the asking, here are four ways to get to an authentic ‘yes’:
Don’t engage identity.
Don’t lead with asking people to name or affirm an identity or truth about themselves. Don’t follow with it either. Just…don’t. Instead, this might sound like: “Do you want to see the new romcom Thursday?” rather than “Are you free Thursday? Oh great! Let’s go to the movies!”
Give context first.
Lead with what you’re asking for. The fact that you might be thinking ‘But they might say no!?’ means that your other strategy was likely manipulating them into a nonconsensual ‘yes’. This might sound like: “I need someone to be sawed in half for this magic trick” rather than “If you believe in physics, please stand up.”
Allow time.
Don’t force an immediate response. Give folks time to process and consider. This might sound like: “Let’s check back in tomorrow. If it still feels good for me to come out early I’ll book my tickets then!” rather than “Is it okay if I change my trip to stay with you for an extra day?”
Be direct (and ask for help).
Yes, surprise can be powerful and delightful and a ‘wow’ moment. But it can also feel like being tricked when you’re on the other side. I urge you to be honest and vulnerable and ask for what you need directly. Because when people do say ‘yes,’ it will be them choosing connection with you, rather than an act that potentially requires dissociating from their needs and body and your relationship. This might sound like: “I need help planning this party. Would you be open to jumping in with me?” rather than “You just finished up your project, so you have free time right?”
Asking people to play with you, or to join you, or to help you do this shitty thing no one really wants to do with you — each can be an opportunity to weave a more beautiful, more resilient relationship. But forcing them to say ‘yes’? Please no.
Yours, Olivia
I love this so much! 10/10 times I’d so much rather have a smaller but more enthusiastically engaged participant group and a larger less “qualified” group.
This is totally transferable to customer growth as well. When you start by engaging a smaller group that has authentic love and excitement for the product, you see high NPS scores. High NPS scores lead to high referral rates. High referral rates lead to higher customer retention. Higher customer retention leads to a healthier more resilient business.
Trust people to make the decision that is right for them ✨
Great post! Interesting to think in contrast to traditional tech design to “nudge” people towards a certain action